I totally

And completely forgot about this here blog. I promise for something truly amusing for me tomorrow. Smooches!

Where are all the men at?

I'm sitting under the drier getting my hair pretty by my favorite closeted gay and the conversation we just had both reaffirm and disappoint me. I'm tired of all these boys who are all talk and no action. I'm tired of the liars, the cheaters, the elephant beaters.

Men seem to have this outlook where women need to earn chivalry. Well, idiot, maybe if you would man up and open a door or buy some flowers every once in a while you'd probably complain a whole lot less about all girls being bitches.

My standards are not too high, sorry. And the standards I set are based mostly on personality. I give all I have when I care so I want that back. If I want to see someone, I'll see them. Nothing's going to stop me. It takes so little effort, yet finding someone who'll actually put it into action is seemingly impossible as I have yet to find anyone who is much more than a mouth filled with bullshit. Which I happen to be allergic to.

And...done. Stoner rant.

I will always love you...

One thing I'd rather you didn't know about me is that I'm a major sap. Well, and a wicked nerd. Here's a small example. I fell in love with Harry Potter when Prisoner of Azkaban came out. The book, not the movie, lazies. When the first movie came out I was 16 (don't judge me). Of course from that movie through the first part of Deathly Hallows, I saw them immediately after opening. Mostly with my siblings as the younger decoys.

Now here we are. Tomorrow the final movie is released on DVD. It's the only one I didn't see in the theater. I couldn't. It makes me sad. So I'm thinking that's going to be how I justify taking tomorrow off. I need to mourn the end of an era and go buy the movie that's going to make me cry like a 4 year old brat who just had her lollipop taken from her. Only more sadness and less brat.

A little side note, I have tried to kill myself and others using Avada Kedavra. It took me longer than I'd care to admit that it doesn't work and you just end up looking a fool. That's my Public Service Announcement on this Thursday.

Blackbirds singing in the dead of night..

I can't believe how many of you people are actually reading this shit. My guess is one or all of the following:

A. You want to fuck me.
B. You have fucked me.
C. Like me, you get inspirationally bored at your desk job.
D. You thought this was actually a porn site.

Anyways, if you're hot...How YOU doin'? ;-)
If, you aren't...I'm sure you have a, um, lovely personality. Sort of. There there.

All Hallows...The Craft.

My life is a sitcom. I'm not even exaggerating. My 66 year old admin sits in my office every morning waiting for the scoop. Sometimes, it's as exciting as me taking my dog for a walk to the swamp and back. Others, it's like everything's coming at me at once. And right now...holy shit am I not complaining. Now. That really wasn't the point. The point, now that Halloween has come and gone yet again, is that Halloween SUCKS now!!

When I was little, we'd pack 20 kids in a few cars and go all around town. We'd come home with 2 pillow cases FILLED. There were kids out trick-or-treating everywhere you looked. No one turned their lights out then. And whenever we went to the movies, we'd stuff our pockets full of Halloween candy which would be enough to last us to the following Halloween. Over 100 trick-or-treaters would knock on our door.

NOW...I don't see kids out anywhere. There's so much concern and fear for safety that no one wants to take their kids out in their pirate costumes and princess dresses. It's sad. It was my favorite holiday. I didn't get a single trick-or-treater this year, but I do live in an apartment with a security system at the front door.

So my Halloween wish is this...let's get RID of the costumes made purposely for the purpose of sluttyness (which I mean, I can't lie, I do enjoy looking) and get rid of all the creeps that want to kill kids and bring Halloween back! Or ya know, go take a nap.

Vent needed.

There are very few things that make me downright angry. This bullshit with Kim Kardashian has me ready to throw up all over her family. 72 days and time to file a divorce. If this became an abusive or volatile relationship that needed to be ended for safety, I would be remorseful for her. Or if it were a cheating scandal. However, it seems they just weren't getting along. It isn't that I don't believe in divorce. For some people, it's absolutely the only option. I probably wouldn't be alive right now and I certainly wouldn't be the same person if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce. Many customs and such have come and gone over the years, some of which need to go still because they're so outdated.

Marriage is different. People fight so hard against gay marriage because they believe it will destroy the sanctity of marriage. But really, when we look at all the people in the public eye who divorce for the next piece of sweet ass, do people really think that's not destroying the sanctity? I'm not one to judge by any means, I am no better than the next person. But marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It's a lifelong companionship. Everyone has their ups and downs, it's how you cope and deal with them that defines you. Or maybe I'm the crazy one here.

All this being said, I'd probably divorce the whiny bitch by day 72 as well.

Apocalypse 952.0

This just puts a smile on my face, so i felt the need to immortalize it in this here thingy. I can't get over how beautiful it is. Even though this clearly means that alien lifeforms are showing us pretty things before they attack. I'm now accepting applications for males who want to cater to my every need in a giant hole in the ground. (Please include a headshot because, unfortunately for most, I'm rather shallow)

I hope you dance, Batman

Dearest Eric Matthews,

You should probably know that I'm madly in love with you. When I was just a wee lass, I used to believe it was the sexually arrousing Shawn Hunter I was meant to be with, but I was so silly. And oh, so very wrong. It is you who forever holds my heart.

You first captured my heart when you began flipping your hair repeatedly in a mind blowing manner as a high school student. Then, as you progressed and matured into a more meaningful Feeny Call and began to openly share your love for boobies and tushies, I just couldn't stop myself for falling into your trap of love.

Whether it's your genius Good Looking Guy idea, your sexy commentary in a Time Continuum Vortex, or your most attractive self later in life going by the name Plays with Squirrels, I just can't contain my intense feelings for you.

I love you, Plays with.

Vv

P.S. I often imagine you creating a call even better than the Feeny call for me...your soul mate.

P.P.S. I would also like to do you dirty as Shante Dubois. You dirty little French girl. ;-)

An oldie, but oh so goodie.

Get out your paraphernalia kiddies and toke a little wacky and enjoy the following video...

You're welcome.

Fact of the Year

The best part about living alone is being able to order porn on PPV without any awkward conversations.

Oh Canada (Part Dos)

Because...it's the greatest thing since going to the MALL!

oh happy days.

Welcome to My Life

I'd like to give you (well mostly myself since I'm the only one who reads this) an inside look into my life. Today, for example, I decided to go home for lunch and be all productive and shit and do some reading for one of my classes (exotic dancing).
Upon my departure following a quick split down on a dildo, the moment I shut the door, I came to a realization. My keys are on the other side of said door. My keys also run my car. Fortunately, I live about half a mile from work which is good because after giving the ole credit card trick a go for a half hour I needed to walk.
So now we've come to realize that the only spare set of keys is about say, 30 minutes away at my parents' home. My solution? Borrowing a company van to drive to get my spare set.
Why is this solution so entertaining?
Me driving the company van. Picture Smurfette driving down your street in a supped up low rider with "BITCH, PLEASE" sprayed on the side and Baby Got Back bumpin' on her system.
I lost my train of thought, but that's just how it goes..

Too good not to.

Picture this...you're walking out to your car from the grocery store with a carriage full of stolen food (...just because) and the midgets you hired to work as a distraction in the little people heist of the century and suddenly...you notice a Buick. A very mobile Buick, despite its being in park. That's when you glance in the window and your life is changed forever. Why you ask? Because in the middle of the afternoon during your normal grocery store dealings, there's 2 people having intercourse in the beauty that is a Buick Regal.

I forgot the scarring part. That stud is a ripe old age of 54, while our beauty on the right, who looks like it wasn't her first Buick "ride" that day, is just 71.

To furthur illustrate the brilliance of this man, his response to the cops when asked what he was doing was beautiful and poetic. "I'm fucking this chick."

I think, therefore I am.

I think I'll do 2 daily segments. One illustrating a certain level of inappropriateness. The other will be....I lost my train of thought. I'll be back when it returns.

Let's talk about..

Aldo Bianchini. This dude apparently lives in Italy. He's done something that I guarantee you (me) have always wanted to do while you're suffering through the load of shit that's coming out of some pedophiling freak of nature who could never come to terms with his sexuality so he chose to worship his savior, who brings him these little boys's mouth. He literally stood in church and ripped his own eyeballs out. That takes some serious crazy.

There's no "i" in ugly.

One more thing you should know...

I also worship Brittany S. Pierce. I think she's the greatest thing since Kraft singles. She is the Unicorn of our lives. A moment of silence as we watch her brilliance...

I'd so totally do her.

some things are forever.

I'm [not] sorry, but the world is fulled with fucking pansies. Yes...it would be nice if everyone loved and shit was all hunky dory all the time...but it would also be boring as fuck. Now I hear Spain has banned bull fighting. Cock fighting is already down the tube unless you've lived in a couple dumpsters in your day and "met" people to locate the undergrounds. Are all our old, sacred traditions going to die because we've decided the destruction and murder of animals for our entertainment is "wrong"? Pretty soon I won't be able to enjoy a peanut butter and newt sandwich without getting a mob of people fighting for the slippery little amphibian's life.

ohhh Canada...

you should know that i'm grateful to your country for one thing. Robin Sparkles. without her, i never would've found meaning in my life. i love you, Robin Sparkles.

it's cucumbering...

the end of the world that is. first...i woke up. and i turned on the radio in the bathroom like i do every morning as i want to kill myself just to avoid moving from my comfy bed. on my way to the bathroom i make sure i kick a couple garden midgets for good luck and wonder again why i think a ficus might be wiser than a pot plant.

but i digress...the radio was dead air. damn you, Matt Segal. then Billy's cackling scared me and i almost puked by accident (for once) with the toothbrush. i'm trying to remember where this story was going, but the Indian kid came by last night. i paid him in portion with a scratch ticket. which was apparently only valid in New Hampshire. only me, i thought...wait. now we've gone third person. let's try to find our feet again.

first, the radio. now...i can't get on perezhilton. because deep down, aren't we all angry fat gay kids? this upsets me though a lot more when i realize all my dirty gossip shit is down. i'm going to slip back into my vertical coma now. activate CLONE POWER!

Parental Pleasing

If you wait long enough...*cough* twentysomethingyears *cough*...you'll figure out what it takes to make your family proud. Usually it takes a family death of sorts. Let me tell you a story...an awesome story...of a creation. A name creation like no other.

Let's start by painting the picture. It's warm. I think. The air is filled with stale booze filled tears of death as 4 of the family of 5 discuss what an appropriate pseudonym would be for a wildly obnoxious and inappropriate twentysomething broad.

That day, I'm not sure if it was due to the excessive floral smell or the leftover stank of the sweet sticky, but something magical happened. The father proved that nurture is just as strong as nature as he and the aforementioned broad discovered the perfect pseudonym for such a vivacious, skank of a girl.

They laughed away the tears (which I sobbed out again minutes later) as it came to them.

Vajeena (pronounced vajeena) Velvet. And a garnet was born.

P.S. What an ugly colored birthstone. Who's dumbass does that idea belong to?

and then the birdies sang...

well. since i've decided to delete Facebook because...well...to be honest, i just continuously realize how much i dislike people...i need some sort of outlet. i just need some way to amuse myself. i really don't give 2 shakes of Sarah Palin's left tit if i'm the only one ever to read this here blogfest.

however...you should probably know...i'm kind of a big deal.